i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
