Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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