went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
