She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she pinky promised me she was 18
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
