don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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