Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish you could order shots online.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
