Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
