let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
