The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
