lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
