Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
