there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am available for nakedness
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
