swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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