I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
