Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
