remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
