piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
