I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
