May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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