I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just invented taco cereal.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
