she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
