I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
