she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Hippo gnu deer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My penis needs a shock collar
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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