Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
