All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
