You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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