i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
