why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
