Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
