Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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