There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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