I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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