i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize