I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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