so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
