if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize