can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
