So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
