theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
