I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
