Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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