Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
