I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
MIDGETS
????
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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