my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
