You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
