At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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