Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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