I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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