I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
