Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
