i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
