I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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