Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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