So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
