she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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