all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He passed out mid-signature
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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