cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
