How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize