After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
