so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
